Getting ready

3 days...
3 days till one of my best friends marries her best friend which is also one of my best friends! I am so excited!
I love this couple!
They shine Jesus!
They love each other!
They are great friends to me!
They are beautiful!
Soon... in a matter of hours they will be man and wife!
Congratulations dear Abbie and Andrew!

my pain

I sit here, surrounded, smothered, and suppressed by loneliness, by pain, by hurt, by discontentment. The tears fill my eyes, and yet if people come near they disappear as quickly as they appeared. My heart is heavy. My mind too tired to think. My emotions zapped. I am an outward bouncing bubbly human with a bright smile, but on the inside day after day I hurt. I hurt because I want what I cannot have, I hurt because I am sad that I want, and I hurt because I want. The long days of being by myself, of being single, of it being just me… these are days I want to end. No longer do I want to see “single” as my identity. It hurts too much to be reminded of rejection, of disregard, of not being appreciated. I long for encouragement to keep a quiet heart and how I deeply desire to know that in the end this pain and sadness will pay off. But will it?

Desperately I fill each day with anything and everything that could possibly take my mind off of that which I want but don’t have. But it avails to nothing. That nagging and probing feeling of being alone still pervades. The sadness continues without reprieve. I look up from my sad thoughts and smile at a passerby, I laugh at my friends’ comments, I nod at instructions given to me. Everything is ok and nothing fazes me. My marvelous acting career continues hour after hour. Slowly, the hours and days drag on, and yet never do I fully relax and contemplate. Because I can’t. Somehow I can’t seem to let others see the hurt. Maybe I am afraid of continued rejection, maybe I am afraid they won’t think as I highly of me anymore. Maybe I am just afraid to admit I can’t handle things and I don’t have it all together. Maybe I am just afraid to admit that I need love, I need encouragement, I need to be told “good job”. Sure I get things like “you are awesome” or “amazing”. But I want to know that’s real and I want to know that I matter. I don’t always act and pretend, in fact most of the time I am genuinely joyful. But it is these moments of pain that seem to drive away all memories of that joy because more than anything I want to know that someone cherishes me and that I matter the world to somebody.

My mind goes to Jesus. I am supposed to trust Him with my life and future and emotions and love. He has promised to keep me going and give me grace. I urgently want to know that these works of Jesus are evident in my life. I hate acting and pretending constantly, but is that what Jesus wants? I am trying to deal with all my sadness on my own when He promised He can take care of it. He is the one that gives me joy, but can I break down and fall apart? I fear I must because I can’t do this much longer. I have to run to Jesus, He is the only one that can love and take away my craving to be loved and He fills it with His own beautiful and unconditional love. This is something I need to rest in always. And yet for these few moments I struggle outwardly. A battle is being fought and how I so want to win for my Jesus. I need His help and only through that and a pure repentant heart can I win. And when I get to heaven, I will hear those perfectly exhilarating words “Well done good and faithful servant.” How can anything compare to that? Those words will my reward and it is for that lovely speaker that I must live every breathing moment of my life.

Accompanying

Once an accompanist (in response to a rude vocalist), performed in a concert for this vocalist and in response to the rudeness, decided to transpose all pieces.
Therefore:
"Revenge: A dish best served transposed." (M. Hubbell)
Thats for all you accompanists...
Be forewarned all vocalists and instrumentalists! Never mess with us pianists! We rock the world!

Caffeine buzz, eyeballs, and articulation

Its 1:00... not pm, but am. I'm sitting here at school with my feet propped up in a chair. Silence surrounds me and only the slight tick of the computer keys shatters the unearthly stillness. I get up for a few minutes and memorize a few more beats of a Scriabin Prelude. My backpack is on the floor and a few cold sips of coffee remain in my once full 3-shot mocha. The light seems to be dimming, or is it just me. Hair frizzy, make-up sagging, and clothes rumpled... I sit here. Soon I will battle the "problem" section on Mozart sonata.
Its been one of those days... up at 5 am... to bed around 3 am the next day. So I still have 2 hours left to play piano drive home, and do homework. Somehow though I don't mind it so much. There is something so beautiful about peace and quiet and the opportunity to play piano (with no interruptions) for hours and perfect the piece to your hearts content. Each measure with its specific articulations can be taken apart note by note. Ah how I hate and love this part of music.
Oh, now I am listening to Owl City's rendition of "In Christ Alone"! Praise the Lord for His grace and power!
Ok folks... peace out!

Keith & Kristyn Getty - What Grace Is Mine

Ponderings

"So I will go wherever He is calling me
I lose my life to find my life in Him
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him"

("What Grace is Mine" - Getty)

Multiple families

Throughout our lives we have different groups of people we associate and hang out with. I myself have many different groups that I call my families. My own biological family, church, friends, school, music, and these lovely people (many are not shown in the pictures below... because there are too many to fit in one pic).
This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to spend 3 days with some of the coolest people ever. We prayed, laughed, cried, screamed, snored, danced, and ate together. We sang, shivered, talked, ran, and worked together.
It was a weekend of memories and spiritual growth and I come away from this experience with a greater love for Jesus in my heart and a love for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And so this particular family of mine (name of group will remain anonymous) continues to grow and I am so excited about all the amazing people I get to know better and how they will better shape me to be more like Christ.

Team Clay - Christ Loving Awesome Youngsters whose goal it is to be molded by Jesus. This cool group of people was my "small group" family this past weekend. We shared serious times of heart to heart conversation, hilarious laughter, intense competition, and ernest prayer to the Lord.

Although busy with school, spending a weekend looking at this scenery does a heart good!

Gathering in my "large" group was awesome too. We had wonderful times of sharing, worship, prayer, learning, and laughter. When 80 people get together to learn more about Jesus, cool things happen!

Team Clay and other teams in an intense round of "flour in the sock". I have never played a game like this, and I will never forget the memories of this time.

And of course Team Clay stood strong, winning the final round with their general (yours truly) carrying the banner proudly to the victory!

Wonderful meals... a time to hang out with new people and then leave with them being friends!

One of my favorite friends named Kristy! We had yummy hamburgers for lunch that day. Also, it is really cold outside.

Each table was covered in paper and loaded with crayons, markers, and paint. Hence we relied on our childhood to inspire us once again and the creative juices began to flow once more.

Team time - A cool time, a blessed time, a fun time, a memorable time, a bonding, a totally God-honoring and God-present time!

Friends as years pass

We have known each other for years... so many years now that I have lost track, but I am pretty sure I would need my fingers and now my toes to count. We don't see each other often, unless of course we are in the same choir. But those occurrences have slimmed to almost never and I know it will be a few years before that could change.

This past week Jana and I got together for coffee and you would have never guessed that it has been over a year since we have spent time over coffee getting to know each other. There is no awkward moments... no silences... no wondering what to say next. We are kindred spirits, and have always been. I smile now to think of all the times we have spent together over the years, mostly in musical settings (which make the memories all the more special). We have talked and giggled, sighed and panicked over choir. We have spent time together drinking coffee and laughing. We have spent birthdays together. We sing soprano together, that alone should explain our camaraderie. :)

I love this girl! She is such an encouragement to me, with her bright smile and sweet words. When we get together I feel like no time has passed and we are still little girls with high voices and no clue of what was to come in life. And yet, here we are, two grown women with real adult lives and decisions to make. How did that happen?!

How time flies!

I know that no matter what happens over the course of our lives and wherever we end up as time passes, Jana will be there for me. A friend who never fails and a friend who can pick up right where you left off as though no time had passed since you last saw each other. Its so cool to have a friend like this. Praise the Lord for blessing me with Jana!

A repeat of 26.2

I still have trouble figuring out why I pay to cause myself pain and discomfort. Sure I get a shirt out of it, but I think I must be rather slow at learning about pain. On Sunday I ran my second marathon. It definitely didn't hurt as bad as the last one and for that I am grateful. When I started writing this post I was flushed from electrolyte depletion and looking at my blister-covered foot. Oddly enough though, I would still emphatically state that life is good. Especially the life that consists of eating food and sitting down. That is stinkin' awesome! You never quite appreciate a comfy seat until you haven't sat down for 6 hours.

I also believe that every person should complete at least one long-distance run in order to fully understand Hebrews 12:1-2 which says.... "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Or even Philippians 3:12-14 which states: "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

These verses come alive in a vivid way and make you fall more in love with Jesus because of the strength that He gives.





When you live through 26.2 miles of emotional whirlwinds, physical pain, mental exhaustion, and spiritual battles, you do a lot of thinking... so here, once again is a brief overview of the miles I ran, the thoughts I thought, and the pain I felt.


Mile 1 - The countdown and we start!! A rush of adrenaline pours through my body only to be replaced by a sense of impending dread. Running along the water I gaze out over the bay and there in the distance I spot the area where the finish line was located. That finish line seems about a million miles away. Runners pass me and I pass runners. We are all trying to find our rhythm. I find mine quickly!


Mile 2 - Listening to Relient K and life is good ("but eternal life is better!") Suddenly I look ahead of me a ways and there to my astonishment is the 2 mile mark. I can't believe how quickly it has come! If all races go this quick I could do 50 milers for sure. (Here is mistake #1 - running is not as easy as mile 2 seems).


Mile 3 - Going up a hill. I don't like hills. They are way too much work. The faint sound of my breathing filters through my earbuds. I push them in further and turn my music up.

Mile 4 - Again! This mile marker is coming up so fast. I am pretty happy that time doesn't seem to creep by but rather its flying by. Things are looking good. For the 20th time I pass two guys in their 50's... a couple minutes later they pass me. Finally I mention that we will be doing this the rest of the race. The back and forth continues and I learn that they have run 38 marathons, in 38 states! That is 995.6 miles...

Mile 5 - Don't remember this one at all. I am zoning out around now.


Mile 6 - Oh bummer. I am starting to think that there was a huge of list of things I would much rather do than running at this time. I am bored now. Ready to be done, but sadly I had 20.2 miles left. Hmmm... maybe that is more like depressing. :)

Mile 7 - Oh boy... we have been going along this same road forever. Life is still good. I am right on schedule. Perfectly on schedule! I round bend after bend hopeful for some change in scenery. The rain turns from mist to drops.

Mile 8 - Uh oh... we now start on a long stretch where we have to turn around at the end and come back. And so with a deep sigh, I commence that stretch of boring pavement. But it wasn't boring... runner after runner passes me. Going the opposite direction! They had already gone a couple miles further than me. Grr!! I wanted to just join them! But I couldn't! So I kept going. I pass Mr. D! He is doing awesome! There is Daddy!! He looks happy! I love my daddy and I am pretty proud of him.

Mile 9 - Just keep running, running, running. Thats it. Thats my goal. Just keep on a goin'! It will be over before I know it! I get some Hammer Gel... 2 to be exact. I eat one and hang on to the other for dear life. Maybe if I hold it some of the energy will flow into me. :)

Mile 10 - HAHA!! I made it! Well to 10 miles... still got another 16.2 left to go. Oh bothers. How and why does it take so long to go this short of a distance?!?!? No matter. Now I am passing people that are a couple of miles *behind* me! Life is good.


Mile 11 - Ouch! Blisters... really bad blisters. I have visions of blisters as big as my feet. Each foot seems to be on fire. I am not stopping or slowing up because of few blisters though. Absolutely not. I have a marathon to run. A marathon to finish. I pass a water station and rehydrate.

Mile 12 - Finally we are getting into some real civilization. Railroad tracks! Oh ya! Now I am feeling we have to be close... close to the finish line. But you say "Hannah you idiot... you have 14.2 miles left". Yup, that I do. But its not 26.2 anymore, so how can you not smile? I pass a little boy with a chocolate covered donut. I am jealous. VERY jealous and I tell him so. He does not seem to find humor in it, nor does he want to share his amazing donut with me. *sigh*

Mile 13.1 - Half way... I feel rock solid. Bah, this running thing is a piece of cake. Yes this thought did actually enter my stupid little head. Lets just say that it didn't last for long. I am starting to slow my pace. I am running about 25 seconds slower than my previous miles.

Mile 14 - Happy dance. I am closer to the finish than I am to the beginning of the race. Oh ya! Coming up to some houses now. Its lovely. My head hurts. I drink some electrolytes out of my pack.

Mile 15 - I see my sister!! Finally!! A human being that I know and love. She runs with me for 10 yards... well she walks and I run. Strangely we have the same pace. lol

Mile 16 - Mommy!! She is there! I see her first as a tiny spec in the distance and I speed up as I confirm that it is her. She gives me a hug. Tells me to keep my cadence up. I tell her that cadences are the ends of phrases in music. I am still a music nerd.

Mile 17 - I feel some lactic acid... no I feel lots of lactic acid. I hurt. I walk... this is the 3rd time I have walked. Just for a couple minutes. I have more energy gel. This time is espresso flavored. Ooh ya! I run again.

Mile 18 - Running still... now I am going steady and passing walkers and other runners from the half marathon. They look so fresh and happy. I see some people I know. Onward I run, through downtown and by the railroad tracks... passed the marina, passed broken down buildings, and passed restaurants that contain piles of beautiful food (of that I am sure!).

Mile 19 - I blow a kiss and give an air hug to the mile marker, causing onlookers and fellow runners to chuckle. I don't care what they think, I love that marker. It means I am almost on the home stretch. Here comes a hill. I run the whole thing... I run it hard.

Mile 20 - I am now in the 20s!! Woohoo! I walk now. I have been running for 3 miles without a walk break. The rain comes down hard. Sweat and rain pour into my eyes, and I can't see anymore. I shut my eyes and stumble on. Water pours down my arms and splashes on the ground. Here comes the board walk hill. Oh bothers.

Mile 21 - Pain. Depression. Misery... almost. Somebody tells me to cross the street to where I am supposed to run. I don't understand, it takes me a while to get it. My ability to process things is slightly slower than normal.

Mile 22 - There is my daddy!! He looks like he is hurting. I start running again. No more stumbling. Just flat out running. I am going fast now.

Mile 23 - I must catch up with dad. I down another energy gel. The pain is now more numbing than anything.

Mile 24 - 2.2 miles left! Hallelujah! My muscles are crying, my body is tired, my brain fried. But I plug on, sometimes it feels like I am barely moving. I pass a group of girls volunteering for the race and they yell and scream encouragement. I run faster for 2 minutes, and then settle back to my real speed.

Mile 25 - I am running... up a hill. No runners behind me and no runners in front of me; I had passed a whole bunch, but a whole bunch more had passed me. I am by myself with the Lord. A volunteer runs with me a little ways giving encouragement. I grin... it gets bigger and bigger until it is a huge smile. I am almost done.

Mile 26 - I am grinning, laughing, almost crying. I round the bend. There.. there to my joy is the sign. "FINISH" I run faster. A block before it I sprint. The pain is intense now. My lungs scream for air, my body hates me now, my mom and sis are screaming. I don't hear them. I am going so fast. I watch the seconds on the clock tick, I must go faster. Finally, I cross the line screaming in relief, exhaustion, and joy. For this is my second marathon that I have completed. A much better time too!!


Thank you Jesus for your grace and strength to complete this race. Thank you Daddy for running this marathon too, I am so very proud of you. It was hard, but very fun training with you! We are going to have to do another marathon together for sure, after we forget about the pain.
Mr. D you are awesome! You are totally a long distance runner!

Oh and my time... 5:49:33
:)

RIP - Rest in Peace

Tattered, dirty, and worn… these words describe my last pair of running shoes. They have now entered their second day of retirement after over a year of very hard labor. I am sad to put these shoes on the shelf as they have been with me for literally hundreds of miles and countless hours. But they have served their purpose! I will forever look at them with love and they hold a special place in the running part of my heart. They are not done forever with their jobs though… retired things rarely are. Once in a while they will be drawn upon to serve during games of ultimate Frisbee, soccer, volleyball, or mud games. The hard work they put in will be rewarded with occasional play times!!!
So my friends, I ask you to join me as I bid a bittersweet farewell to these faithful shoes and say hello to a new pair of shoes that will hopefully serve me as equally well.

Oh Panda how I love thee!

Sweat ran into my eyes and I squinted in the fading light, desperately trying to see the people around. But alas, all I saw were feet and hazy sillouetes.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, knowing full well that to the normal onlooker I appeared to be dancing...this was ok. My phone buzzed in my pocket, but all I could do was wonder who it was.

Tiny toddlers with their little eyes truly "all aglow" came up to me and wrapped their pudgy arms around me in tight hugs. Many of them didn't want to let go. I was their dream come true. A living and breathing fantasy that at their tiny age was probably the crowning highlight of the day.

Teen guys and guys in their 20's poised next to me after sweetly begging for a photo with me. With my arms around them, I held my head high as I stood there for picture after picture with people I had never met. My smile increased as I was surrounded by flocks of people who just wanted to touch, hug, high five, or wave at me.

Never have I experienced such unconditional love and affection from complete strangers.

Though I was hot, sweaty, and had my hair all messed up, for some reason they found me comforting and wanted to be acknowledged by me.

I will never forget those sweet 3 year olds who, without thinking would let go of their parents hand or jump out of the stroller and at full speed run towards me. When they got to me their arms would spread wide around my waist or neck and they would throw all their weight into it. With a murmured "thank you" or "I love you" they would reluctantly let go, only to hug me again.

My day was made from making these sweet little ones' day!

But you ask, how did I get children, teens, and adults... both male and female to love me. Look below...

This is me.

Stardom?

Storm decided that being a star was not on his list of cool things. He got professional pictures taken yesterday so he can go on the back of a magazine. But... he would much rather stand in a field and get fat than get beautified.

He was highly irritated with me when I attempted to bathe him. I came to the conclusion that he doesn't like water near his eyes, his ears, his mane, his rear end, or literally anywhere. Tough luck dude!

He let me know that he was not happy. He fought me, pulled on the lead rope constantly, pinned his ears,and called for his friends. The rest of the day he walked around with a bee in his bonnet. Hopefully his wrath has lessened a bit today.
But even though he doesn't like the life of a star, I still think he is a star. A spoiled, grumpy, and picky star, but a star nonetheless.

Slightly sentimental

Today is July 31st... in one week I will be 20.
20 sounds old. It truly isn't but it just feels like its going to be old.
No more "teen" at the end of my name.
In one year my driver's license turns around. In 10 years I will be 30.
In one year I can legally drink (although I won't...lol).
10 years ago, I was 10.
My friends are getting married right and left.
My lil sis is getting her driver's license.
I am going into my 4th year of college.
I must be old. ;)
No, really 20 is merely one step closer to heaven. Thats the coolest thought! Wow!
But, my prayer for 20 is that it will be a year that my light for Jesus shines even brighter and I pray that people around me will see the love and salvation of Christ!
Yay for being 20 in one week!

Musings of a child of God

Friends... I must write this out. God has been working in my heart and opening up my eyes to certain issues lately, and for that I am truly grateful. It has been painful, wonderful, and stretching. Sometimes I can't think anymore because my mind hurts. And so, in a feeble attempt to organize my thoughts, I thought I would write it all for you all to see. Think what you will, pray hard, and consider.

Through our own personal walks with Jesus we each grow and learn more about our Saviour. We are refined, and taught, and encouraged. But we are always learning.

Things change through life as we discover more about God's grace and love and also about how we need to let those qualities live through us and affect our relationships with others.

Just because we made mistakes in the past doesn't mean that we were horrible and awful and that that previous life should be forgotten. I think God created us to learn from the past and even amongst all the bad, there are still positive kernels in there. We just have to look. And sometimes hard.

Grace is not an excuse for sin, nor is it an excuse to act the way we want no matter what. Grace is a marvelous and undeserved gift from God that we are to use for His glory and His glory alone. When I think about the fact that God loves me unconditionally and no matter what I do, I am still His child, my brain starts spinning. But that amazing gift we have does not mean we live our way. Oh how it should motivate, inspire and will us to live for Jesus... to live only for His great name!

Does this all make sense? Am I rambling? Probably, but thats ok.
My last point... God is great, we are not, His plans are perfect, and ours are messed up. So how can we view our spiritual growth of the past as negative when it is all God's doing?? We don't live in a perfect world, hence we aren't perfect... our churches aren't perfect, and what we do isn't perfect. But we should strive to live for Jesus... for He is perfection.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I believe it is wrong to see our past as negative and bad and full of error. Truthfully it is full of errors that we made: the sin we committed... but what happens in our lives occurs through God's will and we must learn and grow from it but at the same time thank Him for His love.
I love my Savior and am so grateful for the undeserved grace He bestowed on little wretched me and I pray that my life will be one that shines brightly for Him.

Pain, Numbers, and Black Belts

This past weekend, my sister and I set off on an adventure of unknown proportions which delt with areas of life which were at that time unmapped. We came out of the experience with a large quantity of learned material, a renewed energy, sore bodies, and pages of notes. What was this experience that I speak so highly of? Well, how about I give you the long-ish version of that! ;)

On Friday morning, I woke up at the rather indecent hour of 4:30am and pulled on some clothes, grabbed a half-filled backpack and headed out the door. At 6:30am, a 15-passenger van pulled away from the karate school, filled with people headed for an instructor training conference approximately 5 hours south.

Now, I have to admit that I was rather dreading this long trip because truthfully I can tend to get rather grumpy on trips longer than 15 minutes. And so in my mind, how could a 5 hour trip be fun when there are 8 people in a van and you sit for that long?! Well, I was proven quite wrong... something of which I am happy for. The trip down turned into a laughter-filled, cookie happy, and hot drive, complete with martial arts fights along the way.
On a side note, no long-distance trip is complete without cell phones, texting, and many uses of cell phone cameras. Here are some pictures which prove my point as well as show that I myself and one of those "cell phone users".

Upon arrive at our destination, we all piled out of the car, and completed a quick tour of the martial arts school before we had a bite to eat.

The first seminar got off to a rather late start, but we all still got our mental and physical workouts for the day. Half of our group went to the marketing seminar and the other half went to the grappling and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu seminar. I went to the marketing and at times felt like I did way back in pre-calc class... lost and desperately trying to keep up.

But as time wore on, I became used to the jargon and my notes were no longer merely writing down what the speaker said, but rather writing down the key points the speaker said, because I was beginning to understand what was key and what wasn't. We learned all about how to advertise and market and the difference between the two and how to better our schools and increase attendance. The seminar wrapped up with a speaker who shared numbers. I got lost from about minute 1 and never regained my footing, although I tried desperately. Let's just say I was a good actress at that point, pretending to look and puzzle over rows of meaningless numbers.

After the seminar we proceeded back to the hotel where we dropped off our things and then went for a walk to the nearby park where things just got better. It was now around 5pm and the day had been sweltering. We had all been having a blast, but the heat was rather oppressive. And so all of us partook in big snow cones, decked in gorgeous rainbow colors and gently situated in adorable plastic bowls. Then we had a good look around the park with its beautiful flowers, old buildings, and unique set up.

And yes, we even discovered the hidden talent of Eli, who can beat any models pose in his grace and charming nature! ;)

Half of our group went back to the school to watch a mass intro.

Mass intros are where a large group of people come for a first-time class and get trained for about 45 minutes and then the owners try to sign people up. It was a great experience and we all learned a lot.

By the time we got back to the hotel, it was 8pm, and to say we were all hungry was an understatement. And so, we all headed off on foot to find seafood. We settled upon a restaurant and more priceless memories ensued.

For me, the cool part was being able to look across the river and see Oregon. And no, we never crossed the state line, although I wanted too!

After a wonderful meal, we ventured back to the hotel, practiced stick fighting, swam, and then played games and talked. For young people, I believe it is quite impressive that we quit our activies and went to sleep before midnight!

The next morning dawned beautiful and after a hearty breakfast complete with pancakes that came fresh out of a machine... we packed up the van and headed out. But I am rushing my story. These follow pictures only begin to touch on the vast array of personality, sense of humor, and memories over the weekend.

This is love... amongst boys. :)

And this my friends is a 12 year old who is exhausted because he only had 6 1/2 hours. Poor kid, he doesn't know whats coming to him!

These are awesome people and our most awesome instructor (man next to Melissa).

And these two pictures show the humor and toughness of some great people! Don't mind Gary's smile... he is tougher than you think! Never mess with these people!

Back to my story... Day 2 was great. Day 2 hurt. Day 2 was my most miserable and sweaty day ever. Day 2 almost killed me.

Day 2 I participated in the physical training portion. What I thought would be good to learn proved exactly that, but in no way that I expected. After 5 minutes of training I began to wonder if I was nuts, and after 10 minutes I began to wonder it everyone was nuts. By 15 minutes, my only thought was trying to do what was being asked. And so the next hour passed! By the end, I was literally soaked with sweat. The mats beneath me were wet. There was not a dry person on the mat (and there were 55 people). I no longer felt a difference between the room full of black belts and myself. We all hurt, were sweaty, and realized there were tons of things we needed to do for our fitness level and that of our students.

After a short lunch break, we commenced more of the same. A total of 4 hours of constant sweat, burning muscles, and a yelling voice, contributed to the hardest and most rewarding of physical "boot camps".

Even now my ribs hurt from the push-ups and random exercises we did.

Around 5:30 we began the long trek home along with 3 additional passengers. That trip was much different that the trip down, but it still had its memories.

Like this one:

Melissa fell asleep, and then moved onto Jason's shoulder without realizing it. Poor guy. A sore shoulder for him and 45 minutes later, she woke up... rather mortified and tired.

And long rides do something to you... so I took pics. Here is a familiar sight...

And here is Mt. Rainer!

And even through the soreness I could not resist a picture of the cute owl at the mall!

What a trip! What memories! What pain!

But what great friends to do it with! You have never felt safer, than when you travel with a van full of black belts!

Blink - by Revive

13.1 again

On Sunday, the 6th of June I ran a race... my second half-marathon and my first race without my family. I left town on Saturday in the early afternoon with a car-full of backpacks and two of my friends from school. The race was on an island, hence the fact that we left on Saturday. Being that we are "poor college" students we were going to camp that night. But not only that, we were going to walk those 4 1/2 miles, heavy laden with all things camping and running and food.

Needless to say we provided many a quiet laugh and broad smile in the people we passed through the day as we took the ferry and walked around town. To see 3 girls, bent over with backpacks about ready to burst and every sort of thing imaginable hanging from them is rather comical. My friend Ashlyn was asked many times about the large pan that would frequently swing back and forth on the back of her rather large and cumbersome backpack.

To make a very long and tiresome story short, we ended up staying the night right by the ferry and the start of the race in a backyard of some very nice people who took pity on us. It was a much easier and more entertaining adventure than previously imagined.

But, I shall now commence to write about the real highlight of our journey. The actual race..

And so here are my thoughts along those 13.1 miles...

Mile 1

I am feeling rather like a pro... this is my hmmm, well 7th real race. Ok, once I counted it didn't seem so impressive. lol We wind through town. Still lots of people around.

Mile 2

Not so cool. If I have to run 11 more miles... uh oh. It always takes too long to reach the mile markers. My friends begin to leave me. I am not going to fight it. I am my own type of runner! I will run my speed... which is slow speed, but no matter. lol

Mile 3

Just starting to wonder what idiot signed up for this race. There is no way I can do it. But then, the fear of DNF next to my name motivated me.

Mile 4

Ah! I have a rhythm now, I am steady and no longer out of breath. Picture time! Woohoo!

Mile 5

This is good. Life is good. Running if good! I AM a runner... I was made to run. At least that is what I was thinking at this point in my life.

Mile 6

Almost half-way. Hills... lots of hills. Had to walk one hill... only the one hill.

Mile 7

Will the hills ever stop!?!?!? My legs are kind of tired. I just ran by lavender fields, so very pretty. I got water too.

Mile 8

Of course this mile marker is right on a ginormous hill! Ouch! The pain!

Mile 9

Just came down a huge hill and the marathon runners are meeting up with us half-marathoners. Its depressing. They have run 5 more miles than you in the same amount of time. *sigh* An older gentlemen gave me a wild rose as I ran past him. He said it was to encourage me. How sweet!

Mile 10

Uphill... the rain is starting to fall. Ran past the outhouse and thought hmmm, I should use it... but no... good motivation to get to the finish line. hehehe

Mile 11

My rear end hurts from all the hills. I am now just a'toodlin' along. Let them pass!

Mile 12

Oh cool! Almost there. Its now steady rain. Some down hill parts. I can see the water.

Mile 13

PAIN! I sprint the last part... I go as fast as possible. Rain and sweat run into my eyes. My legs go numb, my ponytail is flying madly around, I hear cheering.... and then - its over.

Hooray!

Yeah!

Happy days!

Time: 2:49:06.1

My cool cousins...

Us three

When I first started university, I never really thought that I would be able to find some good and true friends. You know the kind that you can do anything with, that kind that love you no matter what, and the kind that love Jesus more than they love you.

But, God was faithful and He blessed me with two amazing friends: Liz and Ulya! Ah, I am not sure how I would have made it through this school year without them. Their joy, love for the Lord, musical talent, and sweet friendship mean so much to me.

What amazing memories we have together too. Being in many of the same classes over the last three quarters has provided us with awesome memories. I love the nights we have spent studying for our history tests... sprawled out on the floor (candy and popcorn surrounded us) with books, notes, and pencils while we endeavor to be studios. Those times of studying always contain many long moments of random conversation, hysterical laughter, or loud yawns.We have spent the night in the computer lab at school as we worked on huge research papers... but during that time we also Facebooked, listened to music, ate candy, and sang the "Coconut" song out loud.

But that adventure wouldn't be complete without a walk around campus at 4:15am as we tried to find unlocked doors, nor would it be right without us finally taking a short nap on one of the practice room floors.

The three of us consistently celebrate seemingly tiny accomplishments... such as juries be done, or history tests or papers completed. But we make each outing a adventure... one in which we always try to do something we have never done.

We have a list... a very LONG list of things we want to do, places we want to go, foods we want to eat, and movies we want to watch... together. Slowly, that list is getting done... but all the while it gets added to.

The three of us are very different.

Ulya is organized, on-time, neat, sweet, caring, and beautiful...

Liz is funny, quick, tender-hearted, and beautiful.

I am... well, we will skip that part.

But then on the other hand...

Uyla worries and therefore I strive to quell those worries.

Liz is late and last minute... and for that I consistently wish her a merry Christmas.

And I am silly, foolish at times, and crazy.

We play piano together, walk to our cars together, eat together, sing together, and study together. I think that people in our department have begun to associate the three of us together. If we go to a concert... we sit together. If we study for a test... we study together.

Even now, I am sitting with them, as the three of us work on our history papers. We are quiet as we type and listen to music. But every once in a while somebody says something... its all part of it. We are sad if we don't see each other for more than a day, and after they return from a weekend home, it feels like I haven't seen them in years. They are the type of friends you feel like you have known forever! I love that about them.

But the best part of this friendship is that we all love Jesus. It is such a huge blessing to me that the three of us can pray together and share our struggles. These two girls have encouraged me and prayed for me so many times over these last 3 quarters. Their encouragement, wisdom, joy, and love have brought me closer to Christ and provided with motivation and inspiration.

I praise the Lord for these wonderful and beautiful women He has placed in my life! And Liz and Uyla, I love you my friends!

Heavy eyes, books, piano keys, and so on...

There are only ummm, some weeks left in this quarter.
I would count how many weeks, but that requires a certain amount of brain power... of which I do not have at this moment.
My eyes feel like they weigh like 5lbs. each!! Ugg... and they water and want to close. My books are stacking up in my locker, by my bed, in my car, and any place I can manage to store them. The stacks of notes, handouts, research articles, copied music, and random papers is verging on uncontrolled size. Piano keys are the most touched thing at this moment, and when I close my eyes, I see black and white.
My head is spinning with Nationalistic music, A-tonality, secondary dominants, Chopin etudes, and music.
Choir concert in 4 days, must get my dress out. Doing somebody's hair for the orchestra concert. Piano juries in 2 weeks. My own concert in 1 week.
Running a 1/2 marathon in 2 weeks... playing piano for church, for accompanying. And yup, I am still able to smile. Life is soooo good... so crazy full though!
So, basically, I will see everyone in June!! After finals!! :)

Goodbye security... hello insecurity

I like my security. I like knowing everybody around me, knowing where I am going, whats going to happen, and just pretty much everything there is to know. But there are those times when none of things apply to my life. Its like my legs get taken out from underneath me, and I guess its a good thing. *sigh* The funny part is that most of the time I know that these times are coming and I can't do a thing about them. Hahaha... but I fight like mad anyways.
What does this have to do with anything????
Last night I signed my life away! No, just kidding. I officially signed up and joined one of the leadership teams at a campus ministry. The scary part for me is that as I walked into orientation and the first meeting for the 2010-2011 school year I literally knew one person out of the 50ish people there. Let's just say that I left knowing about 15.
But the time in between me realizing I knew one person and then the time of me leaving with 15 known persons on my belt was rather long, stressful, and scary. (yes, I do get scared...lol)
I go through this little talk inside me... it goes something along the lines of this...

Wisdom: "Look welcoming... don't have the petrified, dear-in-the-headlights look"
Brain: "I can't! I am so scared. Can I just crawl in a hole and die??? Please??"
Wisdom: " No! Get a life! How many times have you had to start from the beginning with making friends?"
Brain: "It was never like THIS. I want to go home. I don't like being grown-up."
Wisdom: "It is ALWAYS like "this". Wimp. Grow up."
Brain: "Breathe"
Wisdom: "Breathe. Pray. Pray. Smile. Pray."

Somehow it always works out. :)
In this little stretches of my sanity, I learn once again to put my trust in God and to love those around me. Its not something I like to learn in this way, but obviously God is trying to work in my life. He is trying each day to get me to trust more completely in Him... in the big and small things of life. Even meeting new people.

Is HE enough?

Is God enough?
No, is He truly enough?
Is He truly enough for each one of us?

These are questions we need to ask ourselves. The questions are not meant to question God's authourity and wisdom, but rather they are meant to question our finite, human, and weak hearts. It constantly humbles me to see how I think that myself and what I do is enough, and then... BOOM! I stumble and fall flat on my face, only to see once again my desperate need to believe, know, and live the fact that God is enough.

Time after time, just when I think I have the idea of "God is enough" learned, I fall. But God is so good! I praise Him that He never wearies in bringing me right back to Him. I feel like a foolish little kid who keeps trying to dart away... forgetting that they are wearing one of those little harnesses that their parents have control of. Ah, how simple and foolish we can be.

I so desperately want to be able to just hand over control of my life and desires to God and then just sit back and let life happen. But that is not how God designed life and being a Christian to work. We struggle... struggle hard, and there are definitely battles to fight. How can we be refined if we are never heated to extreme levels and if we are never tested?

It seems like lately, God has been showing me this "false" dependence on Him. I think that I KNOW, but I don't know. What a idiot I can be! I mean seriously! Like I think I know what I am doing with life... wow! Earth to Hannah! *slaps head* Each time, I say to myself "ok, so now that this has happen you need to not do stuff like this again". But do I listen?? Gracious no!!

I guess what I am trying to say is that God's grace, faithfulness, patience, and forgiveness are so huge and big and wonderful. I feel so inadequate and unworthy of this, and yet at the same time I feel so very blessed and encouraged. God still loves me, He wants the best for me (Not always MY best for me), but most of all He wants me to shine so very brightly for Him. I must live for Him, and Him alone. And if I live this way... He WILL be enough for me and I will need no other earthly thing or person to fill me up and make me happy and content. What a blessed thought!!

Prayer to Follow God Completely

O My God
Give me your grace
So that the things of this earth
And things more naturally pleasing to me,
may not be as close as you are to me.
Keep my eyes, my ears, my heart
From clinging to the things of this world.
Break my bonds, raise my heart.
Keep my whole being fixed on you.
Let me never lose sight of you;
And while I gaze on you,
Let my love of you grow more and more every day.
John Henry Newman (1801-1890)

88 keys... 1 piece... 1 girl

Piano keys...88 to be exact...

A concert hall... silent, containing people who quietly wait for those first notes to sound...

A concert piano....

A bench raised to the perfect height...

A girl... sitting, breathing deeply, anxious, and excited for those first notes to sound from her hands...

This is concert time. The most dreaded and one of the most exciting times of the year.

On Saturday I will play with 29 other pianists... I will play Rachmaninov.

Its going to be awesome to play... to play a composer's beautiful piece of music... but mostly awesome to play piano because I LOVE the piano and making music!

Your Hands

J.J. Heller - "Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw

Get back up

~Get Back Up~

TobyMac - "Tonight"

You turned away when I looked you in the eye
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright
Seems like you're fightin' for your life
But why, oh, why

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare
You saw it comin' but it hit you out of nowhere
And there's always scars when you fall that far

We lose our way, we get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again
And one day you gonna' shine again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever

We lose our way, we get back up again
So get up, get up, you gonna' shine again
It's never too late to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever

You roll out of the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made your little get away
It feels like you been runnin' all your life
But why, oh, why

So you pull away from the love that would've been there
And start believin' that your situation's unfair
But there's always scars when you fall that far

This is love callin', love callin',
Out to the broken this is love callin'
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin', love callin'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAA0ASlh1HU

Such a cool song!! Think about the words!

A different sort...

"Bless you, and may your shadow never grow bulkier."

~ Lord Peter Wimsey

Me... at 4 am

Sometimes on school days I will get up at 4am... most of the time it is 5:00 or 5:30am... still, this is definitely what I feel like and it is a fairly accurate description of what I look like. (ie. don't mess with me at that point in my day... hehe)

My Grandpa...

Here is my grandpa... my friend, my hero, one of my greatest encouragers, and one of my best friends and most favorite people in the world. Grandpa, I will miss you. I love you!

Yellow BeltS... ;)

Last night was rather memorable.... in many different ways.
About 100 or so people gathered at our Karate school for student appreciation night. All the students sat on the edge of the huge mat, and the parents and family members sat in chairs and benches surround the mat. It was rather cool to be sitting there dressed in white along with about 50 other people ranging in age from 3 to 57.
Earlier that week, Melissa, Dad, and I had tested for our yellow belts in Karate and had passed; so Friday night we were to be officially promoted. :) But what we did not know was that our Modern Arnis teacher (http://www.modernarnis.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1) had secretly been testing us that week and had decided that we would also get our yellow belts in Arnis.
So, to our great surprise last night, the three of us received promotions in two martial arts and now have the prestigious rank of yellow belt! lol ;) Sitting there listening to the promotions of others, I contemplated that first night of Karate. Ah, how silly and lost I felt! But slowly, through the days of work and mind boggling moves, things began to make sense and finally I tested for the first time. You know, martial arts is pretty cool stuff. Not only does it put you in shape, but it gives you such wonderful tools to protect yourself. Plus who doesn't like looking like an poofy marsh mellow!?