It happens at random times... where I just weep for a few minutes. Usually it is a relief to just let out some of the anguish my soul seems to be frequently feeling. It is an anguish filled with hurt and unmet desires and wishes and a desperate want to know what comes next. Through the tears I often cry out to God to lift the heaviness of my heart and bring peace. Accompanied by a plea for this waiting to end.
Guilt seems to normally follow the weeping. Guilt for hurting over seemingly small and insignificant things, especially compared to the trials that many other people are currently going through. There is this not-so-tiny voice inside my head mocks me and accuses me of being pathetic and discontent.
This year has been such a drastic contrast from last year. The almost four months that 2015 has contained have been perhaps the most draining, frustrating, depressing, and difficult months of my life. Last year was probably the most wonderful year.
Essentially nothing has been too difficult for me to figure out a way around. Until now. I can honestly say, I have never been this low. For almost the entirety of my life I have known what comes next, I have excelled and found adventure, braved fabulous unknowns and laughed constantly. Now I haven't a single clue what comes next, I feel stuck in a rut, and I don't laugh much. I cry much more now, and it comes from deep within my soul.
I know what I want next in life. But, I have absolutely no idea how to make it happen. And it feels as though I am truly shooting for the stars. I want the seemingly impossible.
God gave me a heart for people and building deep and lasting relationships. The very core of me longs to help others and bring joy to them, especially through music. And for the last five years music and people has been a daily and constant element. Right now, I don't really get either. There are moments with people but if I'm subbing it's quick and over often within a day. Music has become almost a thing of the past.
Right now, I'm tired and worn and just done with feeling heavy and sad. I miss music. I miss England. I miss knowing.
Now, I know what y'all are saying. Get over it Hannah, grow up, or God has a plan. Yes, I'm in agreement. But alas, all of that is easier said then done.
In the midst of the complete unknown I know this: God will be the hero, His grace and love are always enough, He can change my heart, His ways are always right, He loves me so much that He died and rose again for me and right now He carries me along in my weakened state. He IS. That is enough. That is all that keeps me. He is good. Always.
