My voice reveals who I am

As a music major and professional musician, your life is basically all music.  All the time.  You live in a constant state of learning, perfecting, performing, and accepting critique.  No sooner is one song learned, then it is on to the next.
Music comes from inside and expresses some of the deepest, most passionate, most loving, and most heart breaking emotions known to mankind.
When a musician performs a song or a piece, they are showing you their heart.  Watch closely and you will see it.  This is a truly vulnerable act and it takes great bravery.  I think most people don't realize this.  They often think we spend our lives practicing our music and that performing is easy.  For some it is, but all those years have entailed more than just practicing notes, fingerings, and technique.  We have established what music means to us, down to the very core of our being.  We know how we connect to the music emotionally and spiritually and how to relate our lives to what we play and sing.

As a singer, opening up my mouth and singing a song in front of other people is scary.  Honestly, it is often more scary than when I speak in front of a thousand people.  When you sing.. your voice is your instrument.  You can refine your technique and modify your vowels, but the instrument that you have is what you have.  There is no going back to the store and trading it out.  And so, singers accept critique from all over... learning how to apply it when necessary and how to let it roll off their backs at other times.

During my time in college, I have been in choir every single quarter and have taken voice lessons for a majority of that time.  Every quarter is a struggle to be confident, to challenge myself to even greater musical heights, and to continue strengthening my voice.  But each quarter is also a time where I once again open myself up and allow others into my heart through music.  Sometimes it doesn't go so well, sometimes it is absolutely uplifting.

I have noticed something though, that so often my fellow musicians, as well as myself, tend to base our definition of success upon what other people think or don't think.  If we make it into a certain ensemble or perform a certain piece, then surely we must be good.  But if we don't make it in, or we don't get to sing a certain song... then how easily we assume that we are a failure.  And then we fall into wallowing and depression.  I have seen this in my own life, time and time again.  The pain that happens after a perceived rejection.  Because for some reason we automatically assume that we were not chosen because we are not good.

This is heart wrenching, exhausting, and wrong.  I like to think that we are each unique in our musicianship, therefore we have certain niches to fill.  Notice I said certain niches, NOT all niches.  When we place every ounce of energy and emotion into one thing, eventually it will hurt us.  Hence the need for balance... especially in our identity.  Why can't we just sing and perform for the sheer love of music?  It doesn't happen every time, that is for sure, but in our seriousness and level of commitment to our art, we forget.  We forget about the carefree moments that music brings, we forget the sheer joy we experience during our favorite phrases in a song, and we forget that music is a universal language that others watch and understand and desperately want to connect to.

And so, next time you hear someone playing their instrument or singing, stop a moment and look for their heart, and thank them for being willing to share their gift with others.
And to my music friends, remember what true success looks like.

Like a Handprint on my heart

The haunting melody of “Ubi Caritas” floats in the air spinning and twirling as it hits the ancient stones above and comes to rest gently and softly on the ears of the listeners.  The cathedral is vast… tall, wide, long; built of stone and beautifully ornate inside.  But the visuals aren’t the focus of that moment.  Instead both singer and listener alike are captivated by the sounds that fill the slightly chilled air.  It is a melody filled with the idea of love for God and each other.  In the heart of each singer beats a love for music and for one another.  Although the words have been sung countless times, each singer sings it with a fresh energy, for this is perhaps the last time they will ever sing together in a place like this.  This is one moment in time that will forever be in the past, so they must live to the fullest in the present.  With focused breath and intent eyes they watch their conductor, yet the emotion and truth of the moment is apparent.  The conductor moves in a beautifully seamless dance that inspires and wills the singers to follow, her face expressing the same emotion as the choir. For those two minutes of wafting angelic sounds, all pain and sorrow, frustration and confusion is lost.  It is replaced by a sense of purpose and of belonging.  No longer are they solo singers, instead they are a living and breathing unit, working in sync to create perfect harmonies. 

As I sing, my eyes begin to cloud over with tears and my heart quickens.  I am stunned once again at the emotion of our music.  Each moment is precious and never to be taken for granted.  The voices around me swell as the musical phrase arcs.  I breathe deeply and feel the stability and support around me.  This is community.  Then, it hits me, and the tears spill from the corners of my eyes: these experiences are about to be over, never to be again repeated.  These people, who have entered my life, have changed me for forever.  The beauty, good, and friendship they have brought into my life overwhelms me, and it is in that moment that I truly begin to see the absolute honor and blessing to claim a community like this choir.  There truly is no such feeling as when you belong. 

These other singers... they are people who have entered my life over time, making me forget what life was like without them.  They have become my family.  They have become my inspiration and challenge.  Our time together is short and perhaps will never occur again.  This makes me thankful for the undeserved blessing of being with them.  Pictures of smiles and hugs and tears and laughter flash across my memory.  I look around me once again, feeling the surge of emotional energy as the song comes to an end.  The moments are quickly moving into history and I know there is no other group of people that I would rather make history with. 

So thank you Concert Choir for welcoming me, loving me, and allowing me to be part of a team that creates love, memories, and music.  Traveling to Europe with you was one of most memorable and moving experiences of my life.  My heart is overflowing with gratefulness.  You have helped keep the song in my heart and the smile on my face.  My life has been changed by each of you.  I am humbled. 

One of the best ways to sum this up....lyrics from “For Good” from the musical “Wicked”.  When I heard these I burst into tears, because it seemed as though they had been written specifically for this time. 

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

As when you belong

I looked down the line of singers, faces barely lit by the faint glimmer of the candles held in their hands... the room dark, still, peaceful, waiting.
The air was heavy with expectancy as the audience waited to listen to our next song. 
The first notes of the altos floated throughout the room, filling every space, reaching every ear, touching every soul. 

Sometimes you have moments of an extreme sense of belonging, of knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you are in the right place.  This moment was one of them.  Hearing, participating, giving music together... oh, that is precious. 

Nothing quite compares to the beauty found in the unity of a choir.  In the joy of a choir.  In the energy, presence, and camaraderie. 

In that moment, I was filled with such joy and pride and sadness and longing and peace.... it hit me that one day, in the very near future, these moments would end.  The next season of life would begin, no more choir like that.  For a split second my heart sank in complete desperation to hang on tightly to every moment.  But then I realized, I have memories, and friendships, and experiences to remind me of the beauty of those moments.  Once finished, those moments still affect, still comfort, still energize. 

And so, I know that those moments remind me to cherish every rehearsal, concert, and choir member even more. 
Thank you Concert Choir for bringing beauty and joy to my life.  I have so much love for you.

Newest member

I am unbelievably overwhelmed and blessed to announce that I am now a member of WWU's Concert Choir.  To say that I am excited is an absolute understatement!  This news was rather unexpected, although very much hoped for.  Going on almost 5 weeks of bronchitis, my singing voice is definitely not 100%.  And so, auditioning for choir placements today felt like a shot in the dark.  My lungs are not at full capacity and my range and ability to transition are weak. 
But miraculously I made it.  God is so good.  He is good whether I got into Concert Choir or not.  I am praising Him for yet another huge musical opportunity and another avenue to share His love. 
Oh... the best part: for Spring Break... Concert Choir is touring (singing through) Italy and Croatia. 
Soooooo.... EUROPE HERE I COME!!

My life.... at this point... and thus far.

My life... its cool.

I have the amazing privilege of living with five precious women who all love Jesus.


We love each other so its pretty great!

I am a small group Bible study leader Grace J. at our church. That is humbling, sobering, and wonderfully challenging. God has fantastic things in store for this community!




And once again... music. Its still there. Always... I sing, accompany, play piano like crazy, learn the oboe, and learn the bassoon. I am blessed.



My cooking is improving! I love making new recipes and cooking for others. What fun!



But best of all, I have been learning more about Jesus! I am becoming so crazy excited about the Gospel and grace and what Jesus does for His children. I so love reading God's Word!


All in all... its rad. I am blessed. Crazy ridiculously blessed. Its all because of Jesus.

A song y'all will like

So my friends have a band. And they are good. And I like their songs a lot. You will too.
Here is my favorite.

the building

The cold air bites my ears, my backpack weighs heavy, and my steps are slow as I make my way to the music building laden with an armload of things. I can see my breath, there is mud on my shoes, and the only things I can hear are my slightly labored breathing and the hum of a car in the distance. I open the door to the building... and whoosh! It hits me! A wave of toasty warm air. AND the sound of many pianos being rapidly played by musicians. This is my building, my world, my life. At least for the moment it is. Suddenly life is good again. Sure, entering that building means hours and hours of work for me. But it also means a strange sense of comforting normalacy. I am not in this world of music and practice and performance alone. The music building contains a sweet sense of comraderie, although often you go hours without talking to anyone because of practice. Maybe its just knowing other people are doing exactly what you are doing, or maybe its just that they are musicians, or maybe its that we all love music. I don't quite know. But somehow and in some misterious and geekishly musical sort of way the music building and its occupents are a family. We are united in the common love of music. We slave away hours upon hours to accomplish and perfect just a few pages of music, which in reality are thousands of notes. We learn theory and history together. We make mistakes in front of each other. Our greatest highs and our greatest lows (musically speaking) are often experienced in front of each other. We critique each other and yet our greatest encouragers are members of this music department.
We puzzle and wonder over the most trivial of phrases or cadences. We laugh and cry over performances of pieces. We get each other. Its kind of an unspoken thing. But it exists. Thats why... I just love the music building and its people.

Accompanying

Once an accompanist (in response to a rude vocalist), performed in a concert for this vocalist and in response to the rudeness, decided to transpose all pieces.
Therefore:
"Revenge: A dish best served transposed." (M. Hubbell)
Thats for all you accompanists...
Be forewarned all vocalists and instrumentalists! Never mess with us pianists! We rock the world!

Your Hands

J.J. Heller - "Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw

Get back up

~Get Back Up~

TobyMac - "Tonight"

You turned away when I looked you in the eye
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright
Seems like you're fightin' for your life
But why, oh, why

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare
You saw it comin' but it hit you out of nowhere
And there's always scars when you fall that far

We lose our way, we get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again
And one day you gonna' shine again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever

We lose our way, we get back up again
So get up, get up, you gonna' shine again
It's never too late to get back up again
You may be knocked down, but not out forever

You roll out of the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made your little get away
It feels like you been runnin' all your life
But why, oh, why

So you pull away from the love that would've been there
And start believin' that your situation's unfair
But there's always scars when you fall that far

This is love callin', love callin',
Out to the broken this is love callin'
This is love callin', love callin',
I am so broken
This is love callin', love callin'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAA0ASlh1HU

Such a cool song!! Think about the words!

Paper time

Its paper writing time....
Here I sit in a hard old chair, books surrounding me, the hum of the heater rising above the trickle of voices around me. Behind me are rows of tall shelves, each containing hundreds of musical scores, records and books. Beside me (or should I say 2 cubicles down from me) sits one of my friends, engrossed in the same taxing endeavor as myself. It is paper time... its due Wednesday morning at 10am exact.
I am in the music library at school... one of my most favorite places on campus. There is nothing like being surrounded by music and musicians!! Although old, loud, and cold; this place is somewhere that I can go and sleep, practice conducting or simply study. All of us here do the same thing... we do music.
I think the word "do" is best because it describes what it is really like to be a musician here a W. We don't just play and sing music. No, we live it, breathe it, dream it. It defines us in a way. For some here it is an obsession. But for most of us, it is what we love; and because of that we spend hours on end doing it.
This is why I actually enjoy writing papers... because I spend that time in company with musicians. I praise God for music and for people who love it...

Of little black dots with stems, squiggles, and the combo of black and white...

Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, Tschaikowsky.... these men were absolutely amazing!

I am now immersed and practically drowning in the music of these men. I live their music for hours each day and pour endlessly over those tiny black dots with stems that are printed so perfectly on each page. I dream their music now... memorizing pieces makes you do that. Those spare moments in between classes will find me pencil in hand, carefully analyzing chords and sequences, marking beats, writing in dynamic markings, or simply drooling over possible pieces for the future.

Yes, what used to be a rather tedious chore has now become something of great enjoyment. Sure my rear end gets rather sore and my back gets stiff from the hours spent at the ivories, but wowzers it is way too awesome. Music....hmmmm, there is a reason why the Lord said that music will be in heaven. Sometimes I feel rather guilty for spending hours "playing" piano. It seems like I got the coolest, most awesome, totally fabulous major. I feel sorry for all those poor souls who have no music.

"Is school hard?" you ask. Hard like chemistry, like psychology.... naw. Hard to stop reading or practicing... oh ya. That is the hard part. There are some rather difficult aspects of school that require more time and discipline, but they are never miserable to do.

My normalish day consists of the following (notice a certain joyous trend):
5am...get up
6am...leave for school
7-9am...practice piano
9-12pm...3 classes
12-2pm...piano practice or homework
2-3pm...choir
3-4pm/4-6pm...studio class/master class/piano practice
Then I go home and:
*practice piano
*do conducting exercises
*practice saxophone
*practice choir songs
*practice piano
*review Spanish verb tenses
*read music history
*practice piano

oh ya...then I go to sleep.

*screams* Isn't it just the most fabulous...stupendously awesome schedule you ever did see?!?! I am serious! Being utterly exhausted has never been so much fun!!