I am here

The past couple weeks have been hard.
My heart has felt bombarded by sadness, loneliness, and desperation.
My times with Jesus have been hard to come by, in the midst of midterms and life.

Last week as I was singing in choir, the Lord spoke to me.
Out of seemingly nowhere.  But maybe if I had been listening better before that I might have heard Him.
But this day, God was graciously louder in my life.
It had been a long week, my joy was being sucked away from every direction.  I felt like I was failing and falling and not sure anymore.

And it was in that moment, as I was singing... that His voice came and said "I am here.  I am present in this room.  I am here with you.  I am honored by your heart and love for me."
That was it.  Those words.  Exactly.
I am not making it up.  I couldn't come up with those words in that time.  No way.  Only God could.
That was one of the biggest encouragements.
Maybe you doubt that was really God.
But when you hear His voice, its like... WOW.  On your knees in awe and worship.  In that moment I would have been on my knees in a second if I could have... the presence of God was so strong.  I am still overwhelmed and grateful.
So trust me.  It was Him.  I am grateful for Him speaking loudly, graciously, and so lovingly into my heart that was struggling between the world trying to drown out His voice and a desire to live intimately with Him.

Those precious moments of His voice, speak volumes to me of His faithfulness.

Psalm 36:5

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds."

I Am From

 

I am from grace.

I am from undeserved Mercy coming to earth,

From beautiful Humility hanging on a tree,

From true Love bearing the price of all sins.

 

I am from a people full of death,

I am from a people extended forgiveness,

Given hope and new life.

 

I am from a legacy of miracles.

I am from a story written by God,

From a future planned by the Almighty,

From a present guided by its Creator.

 

I am from being born twice so I can die once.

I am from surrendering my life for eternal life.

I am from no fear of death.

 

I am from a love so deep I will never understand.

I am from a peace that boggles human concepts.

From a joy no man can fully grasp,

From a belonging that every being desperately longs for.

 

I am from unexplainable patience.

I am from deep rejoicing in the heavens.

I am from “Little child, come to me.”

 

I am from a battlefield filled with the enemy.

I am from an army led by the great Lord,

From a country that will never end,

And a people bought with His blood.

 

I am from trials and temptations.

I am from forgiveness that washes.

I am from “Well done good and faithful servant.”

 

I am from pain and suffering and hurt.

I am from giving up my pride and dreams,

From running a race with endurance,

From falling and being picked up again and again.

 

I am from a God who adoringly fashioned my being.

I am from a God who called and commanded.

I am from once a sinner and now a saint.

 

I am from living for the King of Kings.

I am from worship and prayer,

From my soul screaming out,

From a God who hears all things.

 

I am from a Father.

I am from a Friend who never fails.

I am from a Lover who unashamedly loves.

I am from a Lion who pads by my side.

 

I am from my past that no longer matters.

I am from a future in glory.

I am from the only I AM.

Faithfulness in the midst of doubt

God's faithfulness is something so big, so perfect, so contrary to this world, and so beautiful that often I am blown away by it.  Humbled by it.  Encouraged by it. 

I am ashamed at how often I doubt, only to be undeservingly swept away with countless reminders that God is indeed there and is still radically working despite my sin and skewed motives.  Sometimes I get so frustrated at my lack of trust.  Somehow I think I need to do something about my situation, and so I go about frantically trying to "make things right", or at least attempting to make things right.  Ah!  Why can't I just strive to live my life for Jesus and do things to please Him all while simply trusting.  Easier said than done isn't it!

God's faithfulness....
Webster's defines faithful as "steadfast in affection or allegiance".  It is pretty amazing that even though we constantly sin and make poor choices God remains the same in His love, forgivness, strength, and peace.  Unconditionally loving, protecting, forgiving, chastising.  Its beautiful.

My worry about finances, relationships, school, and life is unbelief and a lack of trust.  I am so thankful though that God is constantly reminding me that He is always faithful.


"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:30-33 ESV)

Musings of a child of God

Friends... I must write this out. God has been working in my heart and opening up my eyes to certain issues lately, and for that I am truly grateful. It has been painful, wonderful, and stretching. Sometimes I can't think anymore because my mind hurts. And so, in a feeble attempt to organize my thoughts, I thought I would write it all for you all to see. Think what you will, pray hard, and consider.

Through our own personal walks with Jesus we each grow and learn more about our Saviour. We are refined, and taught, and encouraged. But we are always learning.

Things change through life as we discover more about God's grace and love and also about how we need to let those qualities live through us and affect our relationships with others.

Just because we made mistakes in the past doesn't mean that we were horrible and awful and that that previous life should be forgotten. I think God created us to learn from the past and even amongst all the bad, there are still positive kernels in there. We just have to look. And sometimes hard.

Grace is not an excuse for sin, nor is it an excuse to act the way we want no matter what. Grace is a marvelous and undeserved gift from God that we are to use for His glory and His glory alone. When I think about the fact that God loves me unconditionally and no matter what I do, I am still His child, my brain starts spinning. But that amazing gift we have does not mean we live our way. Oh how it should motivate, inspire and will us to live for Jesus... to live only for His great name!

Does this all make sense? Am I rambling? Probably, but thats ok.
My last point... God is great, we are not, His plans are perfect, and ours are messed up. So how can we view our spiritual growth of the past as negative when it is all God's doing?? We don't live in a perfect world, hence we aren't perfect... our churches aren't perfect, and what we do isn't perfect. But we should strive to live for Jesus... for He is perfection.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I believe it is wrong to see our past as negative and bad and full of error. Truthfully it is full of errors that we made: the sin we committed... but what happens in our lives occurs through God's will and we must learn and grow from it but at the same time thank Him for His love.
I love my Savior and am so grateful for the undeserved grace He bestowed on little wretched me and I pray that my life will be one that shines brightly for Him.