I like my security. I like knowing everybody around me, knowing where I am going, whats going to happen, and just pretty much everything there is to know. But there are those times when none of things apply to my life. Its like my legs get taken out from underneath me, and I guess its a good thing. *sigh* The funny part is that most of the time I know that these times are coming and I can't do a thing about them. Hahaha... but I fight like mad anyways.
What does this have to do with anything????
Last night I signed my life away! No, just kidding. I officially signed up and joined one of the leadership teams at a campus ministry. The scary part for me is that as I walked into orientation and the first meeting for the 2010-2011 school year I literally knew one person out of the 50ish people there. Let's just say that I left knowing about 15.
But the time in between me realizing I knew one person and then the time of me leaving with 15 known persons on my belt was rather long, stressful, and scary. (yes, I do get scared...lol)
I go through this little talk inside me... it goes something along the lines of this...
Wisdom: "Look welcoming... don't have the petrified, dear-in-the-headlights look"
Brain: "I can't! I am so scared. Can I just crawl in a hole and die??? Please??"
Wisdom: " No! Get a life! How many times have you had to start from the beginning with making friends?"
Brain: "It was never like THIS. I want to go home. I don't like being grown-up."
Wisdom: "It is ALWAYS like "this". Wimp. Grow up."
Brain: "Breathe"
Wisdom: "Breathe. Pray. Pray. Smile. Pray."
Somehow it always works out. :)
In this little stretches of my sanity, I learn once again to put my trust in God and to love those around me. Its not something I like to learn in this way, but obviously God is trying to work in my life. He is trying each day to get me to trust more completely in Him... in the big and small things of life. Even meeting new people.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Is HE enough?
Is God enough?
No, is He truly enough?
Is He truly enough for each one of us?
These are questions we need to ask ourselves. The questions are not meant to question God's authourity and wisdom, but rather they are meant to question our finite, human, and weak hearts. It constantly humbles me to see how I think that myself and what I do is enough, and then... BOOM! I stumble and fall flat on my face, only to see once again my desperate need to believe, know, and live the fact that God is enough.
Time after time, just when I think I have the idea of "God is enough" learned, I fall. But God is so good! I praise Him that He never wearies in bringing me right back to Him. I feel like a foolish little kid who keeps trying to dart away... forgetting that they are wearing one of those little harnesses that their parents have control of. Ah, how simple and foolish we can be.
I so desperately want to be able to just hand over control of my life and desires to God and then just sit back and let life happen. But that is not how God designed life and being a Christian to work. We struggle... struggle hard, and there are definitely battles to fight. How can we be refined if we are never heated to extreme levels and if we are never tested?
It seems like lately, God has been showing me this "false" dependence on Him. I think that I KNOW, but I don't know. What a idiot I can be! I mean seriously! Like I think I know what I am doing with life... wow! Earth to Hannah! *slaps head* Each time, I say to myself "ok, so now that this has happen you need to not do stuff like this again". But do I listen?? Gracious no!!
I guess what I am trying to say is that God's grace, faithfulness, patience, and forgiveness are so huge and big and wonderful. I feel so inadequate and unworthy of this, and yet at the same time I feel so very blessed and encouraged. God still loves me, He wants the best for me (Not always MY best for me), but most of all He wants me to shine so very brightly for Him. I must live for Him, and Him alone. And if I live this way... He WILL be enough for me and I will need no other earthly thing or person to fill me up and make me happy and content. What a blessed thought!!
No, is He truly enough?
Is He truly enough for each one of us?
These are questions we need to ask ourselves. The questions are not meant to question God's authourity and wisdom, but rather they are meant to question our finite, human, and weak hearts. It constantly humbles me to see how I think that myself and what I do is enough, and then... BOOM! I stumble and fall flat on my face, only to see once again my desperate need to believe, know, and live the fact that God is enough.
Time after time, just when I think I have the idea of "God is enough" learned, I fall. But God is so good! I praise Him that He never wearies in bringing me right back to Him. I feel like a foolish little kid who keeps trying to dart away... forgetting that they are wearing one of those little harnesses that their parents have control of. Ah, how simple and foolish we can be.
I so desperately want to be able to just hand over control of my life and desires to God and then just sit back and let life happen. But that is not how God designed life and being a Christian to work. We struggle... struggle hard, and there are definitely battles to fight. How can we be refined if we are never heated to extreme levels and if we are never tested?
It seems like lately, God has been showing me this "false" dependence on Him. I think that I KNOW, but I don't know. What a idiot I can be! I mean seriously! Like I think I know what I am doing with life... wow! Earth to Hannah! *slaps head* Each time, I say to myself "ok, so now that this has happen you need to not do stuff like this again". But do I listen?? Gracious no!!
I guess what I am trying to say is that God's grace, faithfulness, patience, and forgiveness are so huge and big and wonderful. I feel so inadequate and unworthy of this, and yet at the same time I feel so very blessed and encouraged. God still loves me, He wants the best for me (Not always MY best for me), but most of all He wants me to shine so very brightly for Him. I must live for Him, and Him alone. And if I live this way... He WILL be enough for me and I will need no other earthly thing or person to fill me up and make me happy and content. What a blessed thought!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Prayer to Follow God Completely
O My God
Give me your grace
So that the things of this earth
And things more naturally pleasing to me,
may not be as close as you are to me.
Keep my eyes, my ears, my heart
From clinging to the things of this world.
Break my bonds, raise my heart.
Keep my whole being fixed on you.
Let me never lose sight of you;
And while I gaze on you,
Let my love of you grow more and more every day.
John Henry Newman (1801-1890)
Give me your grace
So that the things of this earth
And things more naturally pleasing to me,
may not be as close as you are to me.
Keep my eyes, my ears, my heart
From clinging to the things of this world.
Break my bonds, raise my heart.
Keep my whole being fixed on you.
Let me never lose sight of you;
And while I gaze on you,
Let my love of you grow more and more every day.
John Henry Newman (1801-1890)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
88 keys... 1 piece... 1 girl
Piano keys...88 to be exact...
A concert hall... silent, containing people who quietly wait for those first notes to sound...
A concert piano....
A bench raised to the perfect height...
A girl... sitting, breathing deeply, anxious, and excited for those first notes to sound from her hands...
This is concert time. The most dreaded and one of the most exciting times of the year.
On Saturday I will play with 29 other pianists... I will play Rachmaninov.
Its going to be awesome to play... to play a composer's beautiful piece of music... but mostly awesome to play piano because I LOVE the piano and making music!
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