The Winding Path Up and Out

For some reason, my brain organizes life in sections of time... this many weeks until this event, or this many months since that event.  Almost like milestones or something.  Maybe that is messed up, I don't know. 
Wednesday marks two months since I boarded an airplane in London, returning back to the USA after almost four wonderful months spent in the north of England.  Two months!  Where has the time gone?! 
Since coming back home, I have had a massive amount of time to think and reflect.  It has been a hard road filled with some deep depression and true soul searching.  I'm ever so thankful for the continual faithfulness and patience of the Lord.  I would love to tell you that I bounced back from living a somewhat fairytale life, but that wouldn't be true.  It has been a struggle.  Some days have felt as though I am army crawling up a steep hill, inch by painful inch.  Some days I am up and walking.  It has been a weary journey. 
A couple years ago, I would have guiltily hidden my struggles.  I had this notion that if I appeared weak no one would want to be around be and they would think less of me.  It was only through the advice of trusted friends and family and working of the Lord in my heart, that I realized there was no shame in depression.  That in itself was freeing.  It kinda shoves you to the ground in the realization that there is no way you can do life successfully without God.
So when I once again found myself in a valley, I was not ashamed or fearful.  It was more like an 'oh darn' moment.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord would bring me through it, and that there was a reason that I was in this place.  Still, it has been a tough couple months. 
In England, I had a brand new life.  Every day was essentially a new adventure, filled with new people, scenery, experiences, and lessons.  For my personality, that is like pure happiness.  I love new things and might secretly or not so secretly enjoy the unknown.  That is who I am!  The adventure of life holds so much exciting mystery and I love discovering it. 
I had a new church, with a new community and group of friends.  Starting over with that part of life was challenging, but rewarding and filled with inspiring and phenomenal people.  There was a new city, filled with culture, history, streets, and people that I had absolutely no idea about.  And of course, a school. Up until this point, I had never taught full-time... just part-time.  Before England, I wondered if I was truly cut out to teach full-time.  In about a week I realized, that yes, I was cut out for it.  In fact, this was part of my main calling in life. 
I remember the first week I started teaching.  So many nerves!  I was a bit unsure, and confidence wasn't particularly present.  Would I be able to communicate clearly to my students?  Would they think I was dumb?  Would they like music?  Would they learn what they were supposed to?
By the end of the week though, my confidence had grown in leaps and bounds, and I realized that it didn't matter so much what the students thought of me.  What really mattered was that they learned, and somehow found joy in learning.
Most importantly though I was hit in the face by one thing.  These students were human beings.  Now, that sounds a bit silly, but I realized how important consciously recognizing their humanity was.  It opened my eyes to see my students as more than just warm bodies in desks and more than just a way to realize music.  These people had dreams and talents, fears and humor, curiosity, hurt, intelligence, and joy.  It actually overwhelmed me.  Teaching now went beyond the academic subject of music.  It was about life and connecting learning to the heart and mind of each student.  Gosh!  I could teach the 'perfect' lesson, hitting every major point and including advanced teaching technique, but unless it connected with my students, it was an absolutely pointless endeavor. 
I could go on and on about this.  For hours in fact.  Suffice to say, that as I began to incorporate this into my teaching, the responses of my students stunned me.  Sure, some of my lessons sucked.  There is no way around it.  I majorly failed at times.  But my students graciously carried on.  Their patience and support was humbling.  I was astounded by their intelligence, and moved by their love.  To the very end they gave me countless opportunities to confidently experiment in my teaching.  When something went well, they made sure I knew it 100%. 
I realized that my favorite teachers were the ones that connected to me, cared about me, and challenged me.  They expected excellence from me.  An excellence that I didn't always think I was capable of, yet their unwavering faith in me encouraged and pushed me to achieve exactly what I thought was impossible.  I tried to teach that way.  Maybe sometimes I praised too much.  Maybe sometimes we had too much 'fun' in class and not enough 'focus'.  Good gracious, there were many things I wouldn't do the same.  But I do know this... I would always repeat the encouraging, challenging, and connecting times with my students.
The love I felt upon leaving, and have continued to feel since then has broken me time and again.  In a good way though.  The notes received and the messages still being sent never fail to bring me to tears.  How I was blessed to student teach at a school with such beautiful people, I will never understand.  But I am grateful.  Eternally grateful that the Lord placed me in a place where I was able to learn, mature, laugh and cry.  The last two months have shown me that and given me time to reflect with great awe upon the many blessings that the four months in England held.  I have finally begun to move forward.  Moving forward does not mean you forget the past.  Instead, it means going forward in life, having been changed by the past and keeping those memories alive. 
As overly dramatic as it sounds, my students changed my life.  The imprint they have left on my heart and teaching is incredible.  Without them, I would not be who I am today.  I miss them so much it hurts.  The fact that I may never see them again drives me crazy.  But I'm grateful.  It came to me that in my efforts to believe in them, support them, challenge and inspire them, it actually often had the reverse effect in that they ended up doing that to me.  I left them and live on today being inspired because of them.  It boggles my mind.  These kids continue to believe in me, celebrating my successes, hoping for an exciting future, lovingly encouraging me to keep on.  That is love.  Funny how life works. 
This depression fog is lifting.  God is bringing peace despite the unknown future.  And my kids... oh these wonderful people... they are making sure that I know that they believe in me.  So, I'm up and walking again on this road called life.  Purpose and joy are returning.  And I have a smile, that comes from a changed and renewed heart.  Come at me life!

Forever types

I think I have probably watched my video footage of classes, rehearsals, tour, and random moments at least a hundred times by now.  And I have flipped through the hundreds of pictures at least that many times.  I check my school email multiple times a day, hoping for an email from a student or a late piece of homework being turned in.  Half the time there is a message, half the time there isn't. 
Every memory... I want to desperately hold on to it.  I replay the funny parts, the sad and stressful parts, and those goose bump moments of pure magic over and over in my head.  I smile and laugh and sigh.

It has only been 9 days since I boarded a plane 5,000 miles away.  In that moment I felt so adult... doing what I was supposed to, facing the real world, being somewhat mature.  But never have I wanted to be a child more... and turn around and run back.  Leaving my kids and my brief teaching life was just about the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It broke my heart.  My heart is still broken, and I am not sure how to pick up the pieces.  I know that God will guide and direct and heal, and that is a great comfort. 

In the last assembly I gave before coming home, I told the entire student body that 'I have the best life.  I have met you all'.  That still stands... meeting them... it rocked my world.  They changed me through their love, laughter, smiles, sadness, and humanity.  The seemingly endless five years of university prepared me for so many things in teaching, but never for falling in love with my students as a whole.  So many beautiful and brilliant people, filled with dreams and passions and talents.  Being with them for four months was unbelievably humbling. 

Many people tell me that there will be more students in my future and more love.  I know that.  And believe it.  But it doesn't make the broken heart heal any faster.  And I think in a sense, everyone is actually a bit wrong.  Because... these special people that I spend four months of my life with, will forever be in my heart.  They were my first real students with my first full lesson plans, and first full programs and first full tours and first full mess ups.... with them I experienced my first tears, fits of laughter, life stories, stacks of homework to grade, nervous moments before a concert, and heartfelt music making. 

Twenty years from now, I know I will still remember those sets of eyes twinkling with joy over music made, or the head thrown back in laughter, the tears running down a tired and confused face, or the moments where students told me how much they enjoyed learning from me.  Those are the forever type of memories.  I'm ever so grateful.  Even if I never see these precious people again, they will stay in my heart for the rest of my life.  That is what happens when people change you.

If.... Then... NEVER

I remember sitting in a classroom, discussing motivation and student learning.  I remember listening to and participating in a discussion in which the concept of bribery came up.  Bribery as in telling the student: “If you do this, then I will do that”.  Basically, if you work hard or pay attention or stop talking, then I will do ____(fill in the blank).  I clearly remember consciously vowing to NEVER bribe my students.  Because we should be able to find ways to intrinsically motivate.  The students should want to succeed from a desire within themselves and we as teachers should try and find ways to cultivate that.  Bribery often seems to put a Band-Aid on a constantly expanding issue.  And so, with that, I ruled bribery out of my future teaching. 

Enter my middle school choir of 40.  The first two weeks of rehearsal on my own were an absolute nightmare.  We barely learned any music, the talking and acting out was ridiculous, and students were showing up exceedingly late and without music.  My confidence in my ability to teach plummeted and I dreaded the following rehearsals, wondering how on earth they would ever have music ready for a concert.  Night after night I pondered solutions, nothing seeming to fit the situation.  It was obvious that the students were not going to behave just because they wanted to do music.  Finally, I thought perhaps I should ask the students. 

With that thought in mind, I ask for volunteers from the choir to be section leaders and after looking through the list I came up with six people (two per section) who I thought exhibited musicality, leadership, and focus.  I called them in for a section leader meeting a couple days later.  That meeting was the turning point!  I gave them jobs and we discussed goals for the choir as a whole.  I then asked the burning question.. “How do I get everyone to stop talking?”.  A section leader confidently said “Terror.  Rule with a fist of iron.”  And NO.  That would not be happening.  I laughed it off and asked for more suggestions.  With a bit of a sheepish grin another section leader said “Sweets.  We all would work well for sweets.”  I was shocked.  She wanted me to bribe the whole choir.  I gasped a little as I asked the other section leaders what they thought.  They all nodded their heads in agreement.  Five minutes later we had a plan.  Each of the three sections would compete against each other to win the candy (that I would buy every week) at the end of rehearsal.  Every student that did not have their music with them would give a point to the section and every time I had to ask a section to be quiet , would also add a point.  The section with the least amount of points would win the candy. 

That night I was hopeful for a change and very nervous for the next rehearsal.  When the time finally came I was ready.  The section leaders took charge right away and helped with set up, rosters, pencils, music and anything I needed.  We started more on time.  As we stretched in the warm up I explained the competition.  The students were abuzz with excitement at the prospect of candy.  Forty-five minutes later, the rehearsal ended.  I was astounded at the excellent behaviour and the amount of music we accomplished.  I had told various sections to be quiet a total of 12 times, which was a mind-blowing improvement from previous rehearsals.  The students had laughed and smiled, asked questions, and sang well.  The winning section was awarded the coveted candy and the students left singing to themselves causing other teachers to comment on the apparent joy that must have been experienced in choir. 

Since then, rehearsals have been fabulous.  The students are progressing at a rapid pace and I am buying more candy bars than I ever thought possible.    I realized that the students have had negative experiences with choir in the past and they simply didn’t have motivation or desire to be in choir because of previous associations.  Bribing them with candy works two-fold; first, they want the candy, so they work well... and second, they are seeing amazing success in their music when they focus and they are leaving happy and proud of their work.  Maybe if I was here for another term I would try to wean them off candy, but for now I am completely ok with bribing them.  I want them to create new associations with music... those of joy, community, hard work, fun, and excellent music that they create. 

Perhaps you still think that I shouldn’t have bribed them, and that is ok.  It is a concept that I still would like to avoid in general.  But, I have learned that it does have its place and role in teaching and can be a valuable tool in promoting and encouraging joy in learning. 

Tough Love

Teaching is fun, rewarding, hilarious, and life-changing.  

It also can break your heart. 

I walked into my Year 9 class excited to begin ground bass compositions.  I hadn't seen the students in over week due to the class cycle we teach on.  They had been given a simple homework task of completing a worksheet on melodies and harmonies.  The schedule for that day was to begin to notate those melodies and harmonies (along with a simple ground bass) into Sibelius.  In my mind I thought things would be easy and smooth.  Of course that isn't always the case, as I am quickly finding out.  

As I explained the rubric for the compositions I walked around, quickly observing that quite a few students had not completed the homework.  I was puzzled.  They had been set a simple task, I had sent them multiple messages saying I was available for extra help, and the previous lessons had been carefully scaffolded by another cooperating teacher and myself.  All the supports had been put in place.  And yet... the desired result was not there.  I asked several students why they had not completed the work and their reply was a noncholant "I didn't understand".  I felt rotten and was trying desperately to figure out why they just didn't complete the work.  

Then I realized that this was a deciding moment between my class and I.  This was when they figured out if I was in earnest or if I was wishy-washy.  I had to put my foot down.  In doing so, I knew I was risking their excitement and love for the new American teacher.  But, in the end, their learning is most important.  

I quickly consulted with the cooperating teacher and was told that they should be put in detention, per school policy.  Walking back to these students with this knowledge was horrid.  I did not want to relay this information.  I wanted to run away for a split second in order to avoid the confrontation.  But that isn't a real teacher.  Gently and sadly I spoke quietly to the students who had not completed their work, informing them of the impending detentions.  Their faces fell and anger flickered across their eyes.  My heart sunk further and further as I handed out a total of six detentions over those next few minutes.  

The class was abuzz with the fact that I had just handed out detentions, and I went to the front of the class with a heavy heart.  I stood there, waiting for the students to stop talking.  They knew something was up.  I began to cry as I told them how painful it was for me to give detentions.  They looked at each other in shock at my honesty.  I asked students to give suggestions about possible solutions to not understanding the homework. They all came to the conclusion that it was good idea to come see me for help or to email me.  We then went back to the lesson... my heart remained heavy.  

I didn't think it would be that hard.  It is so not fun.  But it isn't about you... it is about them and their learning and their character and their future.  As one of my professors said "Tough love is still love".  That was like balm to my soul.  I still love my students, no matter what.  And because of that love, sometimes I have to make decisions they don't like.  

Since then, their work has improved.  They are asking for advice and help all the time, and they are succeeding quicker.  I am grateful for the hard times in teaching, because so often their produce brilliant life lessons!