God's Testimony - my story of God

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith” Philippians 3:8-9

My life? Perfection, a checklist, everything lined up just so. But that was only on the outside. On the inside I was miserable, scared, a searching wreck who was…lost.

This is not my story, rather it is God’s story and how He has worked and is working in me.

I grew up in a Christian home with Christian parents, surrounded by Christian friends, and attended a solid Christian church. I went to Sunday school and knew all the Sunday school answers, took notes on the sermons in church, read Christian biographies, went on missions trips, went to a missionary kids school for year, and my life lined up according to the perfect checklist I had made of what a Christian should look like. I had “religion” down perfectly. I prayed “the prayer” when I was 3 and that was it. It had to be it. I had to be saved. But I was a living and breathing façade of what a Christian truly is. I desired to live in my sin and look saved more than I desired to be in a relationship with Jesus. My heart was dirty and I only desired to live for myself. The reality was, I was going to hell and I knew it.

For years, every night as I would fall asleep I would ask God to “save me” just in case I wasn’t saved, that way if I died in my sleep I wouldn’t go to hell. God was my ticket out of hell and misery… and my way of looking good so that everyone around me thought I was great. As the years wore on, the panic every night only increased as I continued to live a lie.

Finally, one night right before my 13th birthday I could bear the misery no more. God had brought me to my knees and completely turned my world upside down. It was a night of intense spiritual battling. For hours I cried with my mom and lamented that I wasn’t saved, yet I really couldn’t fully admit that because it hurt my pride to say I had lived a fake 10 year relationship with God. My pride was holding me back, but Jesus was and is stronger than pride.

Morning was fast approaching when Jesus broke through my disgusting walls of pride and self-love and I surrendered my life, will, future, and being to His lordship. Crazy peace washed over me. Joy entered my life. I was now a child of God and I wanted to do His will. I feared death no longer and life had purpose!

This is not the end of God’s story in my life, because He is always moving, growing, loving, and rebuking. He saved me at age 13 and called me His child and gave me eternal life, but my world continued to be rocked in many ways….

The next year I entered high school and my new obsession became grades. I had never done any real sports, so I decided to counter that with school, and so my grades became my identity. I lived, breathed and dreamed school. Pathetic? Yes! A couple years later I started Running Start at Whatcom, continuing on with an identity being found in my GPA. After a year of a one-track mindset I received my first “bad” grade. Sadly, it devastated me. Although my identity was shattered, God’s hand was in all of this though and His plan was truly perfect as He began breaking me of my sinful and purposeless identities.

I graduated high school and prepared for Western and as I picked up the pieces of my life a new identity rose to the surface. At the time, I liked this one boy and from what I could see, he liked me. My life had started to evolve around him and doing things to please him and make him like me. He had become my idol and my new identity. Then one day he said he wanted to date me and that I was perfect, the next he told me he couldn’t because he didn’t like how I looked, and the third day he said he never want to date me. My life and identity crumbled once again. Who was I? Was I loved? Was God there? I began questioning God’s perfection and plan for my life. I dared to wonder if God had made a mistake. As Bill Clem says in his book Disciple, “The minute you try to manage God, juggling Him with anything else as a priority, you have ceased to recognize His weightiness and His excellence.” I had ceased to see how big my God was because my priorities had become twisted – putting man as most important and Jesus as less than. I had placed my identity in someone else, and they had failed me.

I started Western as a music student, and was once again surrounded by the world telling me who I was and who I had to be. My environment wanted me to think only of myself, to rise to the top, to compete and to win. God says: “live for Me, do all things for Me, tell other about Me, be humble, and be in the world and not of it”. Those two ways of life are complete opposites of one another and were vying for my life. Once again God wasn’t and isn’t finished with me.

During the past few years at Western I have had a constant struggle between placing my identity in Jesus and who I am because of the cross and salvation, and placing my identity in who I am as a musician, as a student and how much I can do and be involved in. I have struggled with living merely a religion versus living Jesus and His Gospel. Because I am a child of God, He does not love me more or less because of what I do. But because of this great and unimaginable love full of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and conviction of sin, I should be motivated to live a life that glorifies my Savior and that is a vibrant testimony of His greatness. God has gently (and not so gently at times) showed the many things or people that I want to place my identity in instead of Him. It has often taken failure, injury, great pain, and confusion for me to be reminded of this, the end result is always worth it though.

This past year, God has been teaching me to beauty of His Gospel and its power to change lives. He has shown me the importance of authentic Christian community and how fellow brother and sisters can encourage, comfort, and point out sin. He is giving me a greater desire for His Word and boldness to proclaim who He is to people around me. I have learned even more that being a Christian is only the result of God’s grace and His sacrifice for me on the cross. He died and paid the penalty of my sin, of your sin, of the whole world, so that that we could spend eternity with Him. Belonging to Him is so much more than eternal life: it means purpose because you live to bring Him glory, it means joy because you belong to Him, it means forgiveness because He forgave you, it means hatred of sin because He is perfect, it means love because He first loved us, it means boldness to tell others about Him because you cannot keep what He has done inside. I know He is not finished with me though and I look forward to what is to come. Just as gold is not purified until it has been through extreme heat, I also must go through trials and pain, happiness and joy so that I may constantly be reminded of who God is. Romans 7:18 says: “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

The prayer for my life and for my fellow brothers and sisters is best summed up in Hebrews 12 and Acts 20: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.”, “But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.”

To God be the glory.