My voice reveals who I am

As a music major and professional musician, your life is basically all music.  All the time.  You live in a constant state of learning, perfecting, performing, and accepting critique.  No sooner is one song learned, then it is on to the next.
Music comes from inside and expresses some of the deepest, most passionate, most loving, and most heart breaking emotions known to mankind.
When a musician performs a song or a piece, they are showing you their heart.  Watch closely and you will see it.  This is a truly vulnerable act and it takes great bravery.  I think most people don't realize this.  They often think we spend our lives practicing our music and that performing is easy.  For some it is, but all those years have entailed more than just practicing notes, fingerings, and technique.  We have established what music means to us, down to the very core of our being.  We know how we connect to the music emotionally and spiritually and how to relate our lives to what we play and sing.

As a singer, opening up my mouth and singing a song in front of other people is scary.  Honestly, it is often more scary than when I speak in front of a thousand people.  When you sing.. your voice is your instrument.  You can refine your technique and modify your vowels, but the instrument that you have is what you have.  There is no going back to the store and trading it out.  And so, singers accept critique from all over... learning how to apply it when necessary and how to let it roll off their backs at other times.

During my time in college, I have been in choir every single quarter and have taken voice lessons for a majority of that time.  Every quarter is a struggle to be confident, to challenge myself to even greater musical heights, and to continue strengthening my voice.  But each quarter is also a time where I once again open myself up and allow others into my heart through music.  Sometimes it doesn't go so well, sometimes it is absolutely uplifting.

I have noticed something though, that so often my fellow musicians, as well as myself, tend to base our definition of success upon what other people think or don't think.  If we make it into a certain ensemble or perform a certain piece, then surely we must be good.  But if we don't make it in, or we don't get to sing a certain song... then how easily we assume that we are a failure.  And then we fall into wallowing and depression.  I have seen this in my own life, time and time again.  The pain that happens after a perceived rejection.  Because for some reason we automatically assume that we were not chosen because we are not good.

This is heart wrenching, exhausting, and wrong.  I like to think that we are each unique in our musicianship, therefore we have certain niches to fill.  Notice I said certain niches, NOT all niches.  When we place every ounce of energy and emotion into one thing, eventually it will hurt us.  Hence the need for balance... especially in our identity.  Why can't we just sing and perform for the sheer love of music?  It doesn't happen every time, that is for sure, but in our seriousness and level of commitment to our art, we forget.  We forget about the carefree moments that music brings, we forget the sheer joy we experience during our favorite phrases in a song, and we forget that music is a universal language that others watch and understand and desperately want to connect to.

And so, next time you hear someone playing their instrument or singing, stop a moment and look for their heart, and thank them for being willing to share their gift with others.
And to my music friends, remember what true success looks like.

I am here

The past couple weeks have been hard.
My heart has felt bombarded by sadness, loneliness, and desperation.
My times with Jesus have been hard to come by, in the midst of midterms and life.

Last week as I was singing in choir, the Lord spoke to me.
Out of seemingly nowhere.  But maybe if I had been listening better before that I might have heard Him.
But this day, God was graciously louder in my life.
It had been a long week, my joy was being sucked away from every direction.  I felt like I was failing and falling and not sure anymore.

And it was in that moment, as I was singing... that His voice came and said "I am here.  I am present in this room.  I am here with you.  I am honored by your heart and love for me."
That was it.  Those words.  Exactly.
I am not making it up.  I couldn't come up with those words in that time.  No way.  Only God could.
That was one of the biggest encouragements.
Maybe you doubt that was really God.
But when you hear His voice, its like... WOW.  On your knees in awe and worship.  In that moment I would have been on my knees in a second if I could have... the presence of God was so strong.  I am still overwhelmed and grateful.
So trust me.  It was Him.  I am grateful for Him speaking loudly, graciously, and so lovingly into my heart that was struggling between the world trying to drown out His voice and a desire to live intimately with Him.

Those precious moments of His voice, speak volumes to me of His faithfulness.

Psalm 36:5

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds."

Like a Handprint on my heart

The haunting melody of “Ubi Caritas” floats in the air spinning and twirling as it hits the ancient stones above and comes to rest gently and softly on the ears of the listeners.  The cathedral is vast… tall, wide, long; built of stone and beautifully ornate inside.  But the visuals aren’t the focus of that moment.  Instead both singer and listener alike are captivated by the sounds that fill the slightly chilled air.  It is a melody filled with the idea of love for God and each other.  In the heart of each singer beats a love for music and for one another.  Although the words have been sung countless times, each singer sings it with a fresh energy, for this is perhaps the last time they will ever sing together in a place like this.  This is one moment in time that will forever be in the past, so they must live to the fullest in the present.  With focused breath and intent eyes they watch their conductor, yet the emotion and truth of the moment is apparent.  The conductor moves in a beautifully seamless dance that inspires and wills the singers to follow, her face expressing the same emotion as the choir. For those two minutes of wafting angelic sounds, all pain and sorrow, frustration and confusion is lost.  It is replaced by a sense of purpose and of belonging.  No longer are they solo singers, instead they are a living and breathing unit, working in sync to create perfect harmonies. 

As I sing, my eyes begin to cloud over with tears and my heart quickens.  I am stunned once again at the emotion of our music.  Each moment is precious and never to be taken for granted.  The voices around me swell as the musical phrase arcs.  I breathe deeply and feel the stability and support around me.  This is community.  Then, it hits me, and the tears spill from the corners of my eyes: these experiences are about to be over, never to be again repeated.  These people, who have entered my life, have changed me for forever.  The beauty, good, and friendship they have brought into my life overwhelms me, and it is in that moment that I truly begin to see the absolute honor and blessing to claim a community like this choir.  There truly is no such feeling as when you belong. 

These other singers... they are people who have entered my life over time, making me forget what life was like without them.  They have become my family.  They have become my inspiration and challenge.  Our time together is short and perhaps will never occur again.  This makes me thankful for the undeserved blessing of being with them.  Pictures of smiles and hugs and tears and laughter flash across my memory.  I look around me once again, feeling the surge of emotional energy as the song comes to an end.  The moments are quickly moving into history and I know there is no other group of people that I would rather make history with. 

So thank you Concert Choir for welcoming me, loving me, and allowing me to be part of a team that creates love, memories, and music.  Traveling to Europe with you was one of most memorable and moving experiences of my life.  My heart is overflowing with gratefulness.  You have helped keep the song in my heart and the smile on my face.  My life has been changed by each of you.  I am humbled. 

One of the best ways to sum this up....lyrics from “For Good” from the musical “Wicked”.  When I heard these I burst into tears, because it seemed as though they had been written specifically for this time. 

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

I Am From

 

I am from grace.

I am from undeserved Mercy coming to earth,

From beautiful Humility hanging on a tree,

From true Love bearing the price of all sins.

 

I am from a people full of death,

I am from a people extended forgiveness,

Given hope and new life.

 

I am from a legacy of miracles.

I am from a story written by God,

From a future planned by the Almighty,

From a present guided by its Creator.

 

I am from being born twice so I can die once.

I am from surrendering my life for eternal life.

I am from no fear of death.

 

I am from a love so deep I will never understand.

I am from a peace that boggles human concepts.

From a joy no man can fully grasp,

From a belonging that every being desperately longs for.

 

I am from unexplainable patience.

I am from deep rejoicing in the heavens.

I am from “Little child, come to me.”

 

I am from a battlefield filled with the enemy.

I am from an army led by the great Lord,

From a country that will never end,

And a people bought with His blood.

 

I am from trials and temptations.

I am from forgiveness that washes.

I am from “Well done good and faithful servant.”

 

I am from pain and suffering and hurt.

I am from giving up my pride and dreams,

From running a race with endurance,

From falling and being picked up again and again.

 

I am from a God who adoringly fashioned my being.

I am from a God who called and commanded.

I am from once a sinner and now a saint.

 

I am from living for the King of Kings.

I am from worship and prayer,

From my soul screaming out,

From a God who hears all things.

 

I am from a Father.

I am from a Friend who never fails.

I am from a Lover who unashamedly loves.

I am from a Lion who pads by my side.

 

I am from my past that no longer matters.

I am from a future in glory.

I am from the only I AM.